Today has been a bad day. A very, very bad day. Whenever I have days like this, I keep repeating to myself “It won’t hurt like this tomorrow”. Because if it did hurt like this every single day, I would not survive. I know that. Everyone says how strong I am, how inspiring I am, and while I like hearing that, it almost makes me laugh. I go through the motions of my daily routine, and make it through most days fine. But some days, like today, I just can’t keep the thoughts at bay. Maggie’s birthday is in three days, and it makes my heart ache just thinking that we won’t get to celebrate her first birthday with her. Or any of her birthdays, for that matter. It’s not fair and it makes me so angry. I don’t get to see her face when she sees her cake, her candle, her presents. I don’t get to watch as she shoves cake into her beautiful mouth, covering herself in frosting.
Today, for whatever reason, all the “things I won’t get to do with Maggie” are weighing me down. All those little – and not so little – things break my heart over and over again. I crave her. I ache for her. My arms feel so empty and I would give anything just to hold her again. Just one more time. I would give anything to go back to that day and hold her while she slept instead of putting her in her crib. I would give anything to go back to that day and pick her up when I heard her fuss. I finally did go to her, only 40 minutes too late. Oh, my sweet angel, what I wouldn’t do to have that day back. We’d be celebrating your birthday, not letting off balloons at your gravesite.
How is THIS my life? How in the hell did this happen to us? We finally had everything we ever wanted and it was gone in an instant. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy; no one should ever have to bury their child. And I hate that I’m now “that woman” who lost her child. My mom is that woman, as is my grandma. Why our family? I just hope and pray with all my might that my children, and my sister’s children, will never have to endure this kind of agony. I don’t believe in curses, but I pray to God that this “curse” ends with me.
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Oh Kelli - it's just so wrong. I wish she were there with you. And it's unfathomable that your mother and grandmother lost children, too. Praying for you, especially this week.
ReplyDeleteKelli, my dear sweet lovely Kelli, i am sitting here crying reading your beautiful words straight from your heart.
ReplyDeleteMy best friend lost her baby 14yrs ago and she would tell you now if she could how you get used to the pain in your heart as if it had always been there and you learn to live with the emptiness because its there but you will NEVER forget feeling her in your arms, or her delicious smell and all the other things that made Maggie, Maggie.
I too wish i could help you turn back time and enable you to change everything that happened.
You and your family will be in my thoughts as always, especially this week.
I wish something (anything) could make the pain go away. Love you.
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