Blessed

My friends have always been one of the most important things in my life. They aren’t just friends, they’re family. They have my back, I have theirs, and there’s unconditional love.

When Maggie died, my friends rallied to hold me up from day one. They checked in daily via text messages, emails, FB messages, and voicemails. Some brought food, something that I will always be grateful for. I have no idea what we would have eaten, or if we even would have.

We always knew we had amazing friends, but we were still blown away by the generosity and the love we felt. It really was remarkable. Friends dropping everything to travel back home for me, friends who we haven’t seen in years showing up at the funeral, friends who I have never met in person coming without hesitation. Friends who have children of their own, but still did what they could to be there for us.

In times of tragedy, you know who your true friends are. You know who you can call in the middle of the night, if need be. You realize that the girls you used to giggle with in high school are still a huge part of your life, though you may not see them often. They were here for me, they traveled for ME, without question. That means more than they will ever know.

Sometimes, you can be surprised by a renewed friendship. I met Kimberly when we were in 7th grade, 22 years ago. Yikes. We were friends through 9th grade and then we drifted apart. We reconnected when our girls went to the same preschool and we started chatting through Facebook. Now, our babies are in Kindergarten together and our families have kind of blended together. I talk to or see Kim every day and I’ve grown to love her like a sister.

On Wednesday, after I had gotten off the phone with the lady at the cemetery, I sat in my van and cried my eyes out. I was trying to compose myself so I could pick up Piper and I had almost succeeded, until I saw Kim. She knew by the look on my face that I was in a bad place, reached out her hand and said “Are you okay?” I promptly burst into tears and she held me while I sobbed. Standing there on the sidewalk, across the street from Pea’s school, just holding each other. I told her what had happened, that I was just dreading even discussing Maggie’s headstone, and that I didn’t want to go alone. She immediately said, “I’ll go with you, okay? You won’t be alone.” This woman has 4 children, but didn’t hesitate to show how much she cared.

We walked up to school with our arms around each other, and she said “This is what friends do. You’ve been there for me, and I’ll always be here for you. I’ve learned a lot about true friends over the past 10 years.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

True friends stick by you when you’re bawling with snot all over your face, when you’re hating life, when you’re bitching about your husband, when you feel like your kids are going to drive you insane, when you just need a glass of wine and an ear, when you’re broke, when you’re sick, and when you’re feeling sorry for yourself. True friends are there for all of that, and expect nothing in return.

I am blessed to have my true friends and I wouldn’t be here if not for them.

Thank you, my dear friends, for loving me unconditionally and for taking care of me for the past 6 ½ months. You all mean the world to me.

Dear Maggie

Daddy and I picked out your headstone today. I can’t believe I just typed that. I still can’t believe you’re gone, it sometimes feels like you were never here. That’s almost worse, I think.

Thanksgiving is next week and I just want to ignore it in hopes that it’ll go away. I can’t deal with you not being here. Last year’s holidays were simply amazing with you, we were all so happy. I had everything I had ever wanted and had never been happier. Taking pictures of you and Piper under the Christmas tree, putting you in ridiculous frilly dresses for no reason, putting obnoxious bows in your hair (all 10 strands of it), and watching your eyes light up at all the presents. You weren’t even 5 months old at Christmas, but you thoroughly enjoyed watching all of us together. It was the best Christmas we have ever had.

And now, this year, there will be a huge, gaping hole where you should be. I was actually looking forward to child-proofing the tree, and hiding presents so you couldn’t rip the bows off. I would give anything for those “annoyances” right now. I’m sad that I won’t be able to send out another Christmas card with my beautiful girls’ smiling faces. I’m not even doing Christmas cards this year; I just can’t.

Sometimes, just when I think I’ve got a “handle” on all of this, something knocks the wind out of me. Last night, I was laying in bed with Piper and I suddenly smelled you. I have no idea how that’s even possible since we’ve cleaned Piper’s room, but still, there you were. It was amazing and heart wrenching at the same time. I breathed as deeply as I could for as long as I could, and then it was gone. You were gone. All over again.

The absence of you creeps up out of nowhere and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. You should be in the car with me every morning when I take Piper to school, and every afternoon when I pick her up. You should have been at Cam’s birthday party in October. You should have been with us when we met your new cousin for the first time. I should have been the one to teach you how to be gentle with the baby. I missed you so much that day, and I held onto Logan with all my might. I had a sense of peace holding him, remembering that first moment I finally got to hold you. That was the most beautiful memory I have of you. Just you and me, mother and daughter, for the first time. I had waited 2+ years to get pregnant, another 9 months to give birth to you, and an agonizing 24 hours to hold you for the first time. It was all worth it in that moment. I memorized your face in seconds and noticed immediately that you were going to have red hair, just like me. I counted your fingers and your toes, I caressed your beautiful face, I kissed your sweet mouth, and I held you while you slept. It was magical.

The day you died, I also held you while you slept. You had only fallen asleep on my shoulder one other time and this particular day, it was almost like you knew it would be the last time. Did you know, Mags? Did you know that it was what I needed, to have the last memory of you alive to be one of pure happiness and contentment? I think you did and for that, I will always be grateful.

You were my angel from the day you were conceived and while I would give anything to have you back here with me, I know that you’re always with me, looking out for me, loving me. And it brings me more peace than I could ever express that you’re with Grandpa Joe, your uncle Nicholas, your cousin Nolan, and your aunt Ginger. They’re lucky to have you, sweet girl.

So, this holiday season, I will miss you and I will grieve for you, but I will know that you’re in good hands.

I love you with all of my heart and soul, forever and always.

Mommy