Dear Maggie

Daddy and I picked out your headstone today. I can’t believe I just typed that. I still can’t believe you’re gone, it sometimes feels like you were never here. That’s almost worse, I think.

Thanksgiving is next week and I just want to ignore it in hopes that it’ll go away. I can’t deal with you not being here. Last year’s holidays were simply amazing with you, we were all so happy. I had everything I had ever wanted and had never been happier. Taking pictures of you and Piper under the Christmas tree, putting you in ridiculous frilly dresses for no reason, putting obnoxious bows in your hair (all 10 strands of it), and watching your eyes light up at all the presents. You weren’t even 5 months old at Christmas, but you thoroughly enjoyed watching all of us together. It was the best Christmas we have ever had.

And now, this year, there will be a huge, gaping hole where you should be. I was actually looking forward to child-proofing the tree, and hiding presents so you couldn’t rip the bows off. I would give anything for those “annoyances” right now. I’m sad that I won’t be able to send out another Christmas card with my beautiful girls’ smiling faces. I’m not even doing Christmas cards this year; I just can’t.

Sometimes, just when I think I’ve got a “handle” on all of this, something knocks the wind out of me. Last night, I was laying in bed with Piper and I suddenly smelled you. I have no idea how that’s even possible since we’ve cleaned Piper’s room, but still, there you were. It was amazing and heart wrenching at the same time. I breathed as deeply as I could for as long as I could, and then it was gone. You were gone. All over again.

The absence of you creeps up out of nowhere and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. You should be in the car with me every morning when I take Piper to school, and every afternoon when I pick her up. You should have been at Cam’s birthday party in October. You should have been with us when we met your new cousin for the first time. I should have been the one to teach you how to be gentle with the baby. I missed you so much that day, and I held onto Logan with all my might. I had a sense of peace holding him, remembering that first moment I finally got to hold you. That was the most beautiful memory I have of you. Just you and me, mother and daughter, for the first time. I had waited 2+ years to get pregnant, another 9 months to give birth to you, and an agonizing 24 hours to hold you for the first time. It was all worth it in that moment. I memorized your face in seconds and noticed immediately that you were going to have red hair, just like me. I counted your fingers and your toes, I caressed your beautiful face, I kissed your sweet mouth, and I held you while you slept. It was magical.

The day you died, I also held you while you slept. You had only fallen asleep on my shoulder one other time and this particular day, it was almost like you knew it would be the last time. Did you know, Mags? Did you know that it was what I needed, to have the last memory of you alive to be one of pure happiness and contentment? I think you did and for that, I will always be grateful.

You were my angel from the day you were conceived and while I would give anything to have you back here with me, I know that you’re always with me, looking out for me, loving me. And it brings me more peace than I could ever express that you’re with Grandpa Joe, your uncle Nicholas, your cousin Nolan, and your aunt Ginger. They’re lucky to have you, sweet girl.

So, this holiday season, I will miss you and I will grieve for you, but I will know that you’re in good hands.

I love you with all of my heart and soul, forever and always.

Mommy