Yes, it's still up. It's still standing in its corner of the room once shared by my girls, now a room where no one sleeps.
The room still smells like Maggie, something that hasn't been lost on anyone. It's undeniably Maggie in there and while it makes my heart ache, it's somewhat of a comfort. Somewhat.
I go back and forth between feeling ready to "move on" to feeling like that'll be leaving her somehow. I know she'll always be here with us, but the thought of getting rid of her things makes me sick.
My mom had the horrific and emotional task of removing most of her clothes to spare me the agony of stumbling across them every two seconds. Everything's in bags/boxes under the crib, along with her Bumbo chair and other baby gadgets.
It's comforting to know it's still there in case I ever need to breathe it all in. But really, it's time, isn't it? Piper refuses to sleep in there, which is completely understandable. She shared that room with her baby sister and she knows that's where she died. Who can blame her, right?
I miss sleeping with my husband and I hate that he spends his nights on the couch. It makes me feel sad and lonely and guilty. I just wish I could feel okay with taking this final step so Piper can have her room back. So we can paint and decorate and get her new bed set up. So Ryan and I can feel like a married couple again, and not roommates.
I just don't know if I'm ready yet. And I guess if I don't know, then that probably means I'm not. Right?
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Take your time, hon. No one else can say when it is the right time to move on and go forward in the healing process.
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Kelli,
ReplyDeleteWhen the time comes you will ALL know.
Im sure Ryan misses the same feelings of being a married couple too but sweetheart he understands, he is a part of you its like he is your second skin.
When the time comes how about you and Ryan moving into the girls room so you are closer to the essence of Maggie and if you are feeling strong enough then gently fold down the cot but keep it in your room along with everything that is Maggie.
this will give Piper a new room too.
You are all still coming to terms with Maggie no longer being with you in body but honey she will forever be with you in spirit.
xx
It sounds to me like you are almost ready - and that's not betraying Maggie in any way...it's just what happens in life, I think. I can't imagine the mixed, bittersweet emotions of moving her things out of that room, to somewhere else - but they are only things and you don't have to get rid of all of them...or any of them, at least not right now. One day at a time, sweetie. Love you.
ReplyDeleteThere's no right time, or perfect time - just a moment when you'll decide you need to do it for you... and it sounds like you're coming to that point. I think I would probably do the same, just to hold onto every last precious second. Everything in its own time. xoxo Love you Kel.
ReplyDeleteYou will know when it's time. That should not be driven by anything external. Your heart will know when the time will be right to move some things around.
ReplyDeleteoxo
hang in there, Kel. You'll feel it when it's right. xoxo
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