Maggie's Story

I found out I was pregnant December 3, 2007, and to say I was shocked is an understatement. I only took a test because I couldn’t believe how ravenously hungry I had been for the past few days. So, Monday morning, I peed on a stick (POAS) before work and about fell over when I saw the telltale second line. In all the months of charting, and temping, and POASing, I had never seen a second line. Wow. I somehow managed to go to work and be productive during the day. After work, I took another test and forced my sister to come over and look for herself. She saw it too. Holy shit!

The next day, Tuesday, I took yet another test (I know, right?), got another BFP (big fat positive) and was finally able to do something I’d been planning for 2+ years: I went to Von Maur and bought a “I’m The Big Sister” shirt for Piper. This is how I had wanted to tell Ryan. He got home that night and I took him into our room. I held up the shirt and he said “Oh, who’s that for?” I just looked at him. “Um, it’s for Piper!” BIG hug and smiles all around. We decided to hold off on telling Piper until after my first appointment. I didn’t want to get her all excited and have something go wrong.

I told my parents the next night by showing them a digital pregnancy test – the look on my dad’s face was priceless! My mom cried, of course.

Fast forward to Friday, December 21, 2007. I was 6w1d (6 weeks, 1 day) and had been having some cramps and was FREAKED. So, I went to the ER. My first appointment wasn’t for another few weeks and I just had to know there was something there. And there was. Maybe my mind played tricks on me, making me think I was in pain. Whatever the reason, I had never been so happy to see something as beautiful as that tiny flicker. There was a BABY. We told Piper the next day and she was thrilled.

My pregnancy was suckish, not at all like mine with Piper. I was nauseous all the time, gagging on everything, had a headache almost everyday, had bladder infection after bladder infection (I think 8 or 9 total?), and didn’t gain much weight. Towards the end, I was getting weekly NSTs (non stress tests) and ultrasounds to check baby and my amniotic fluid level. Baby was fine, my level was very low. Low enough that Dr. W decided (after u/s #12) that it was time to take Maggie, 12 days early. My c/s had been scheduled for August 7, but she didn’t feel comfortable with waiting that much longer, seeing as I was losing fluid. That’s scary.

Our beautiful baby girl was born at 11:28 a.m. on Saturday, August 2, 2008. She weighed 6 pounds, 7ounces and was 17.5 inches long. She was my itty bitty. But she came out screaming and that was the most beautiful noise I had ever heard. Piper was very, very quiet when she was born; Maggie wanted us to know she was here. They gave her to Ryan and he brought her to me. I barely got to kiss her before they whisked her off to the nursery. Her temp was low and they wanted to get her warmed up. I had no idea that I wouldn’t get to see her again for another 24 hours.

Her blood sugar levels were all out of whack so she had to stay in the nursery and be monitored. Ryan was able to go and be with her, as were my parents, but I only saw pictures for that first day. Surprisingly, I wasn’t all that upset. I just wanted her to be okay and I wanted to be okay. My iron level was extremely low, so low that Dr. W was *this* close to giving me a transfusion, and I really just wanted to feel better. I had felt so shitty for so long and I knew Maggie was in good hands.

The lactation consultant brought my baby girl to me the next day and I couldn’t believe just how beautiful she was. We struggled for close to 30 minutes to get her to latch on when I finally barked at the LC that I just wanted to LOOK at my little girl and I would worry about the breastfeeding later. I memorized every single detail of that precious little one. I was head over heels in love, again.

The next morning Dr. H, the girls’ pediatrician, came to talk to me and said something along the lines of, “Maggie’s palate is a bit high.” I figured out the next day that he was just being gentle with a new mom, and for that I will always be grateful. He didn’t want to freak me out. She had a cleft in her soft palate, which is why she wasn’t able to latch on and why bottle feeding her was also very difficult. I didn’t care. She was beautiful, and precious, and mine, so we’d do whatever we had to do.

At just 5 days old, we took her to meet Dr. C at UIHC’s otolaryngology department and I had never met a nicer man! He made sure to tell me first thing that I had done nothing wrong, that I had not caused her cleft palate, and that I was a good mom. Gotta love hearing that! We were told she would have surgery around a year of age to fix the cleft and that she would never have to have another surgery after that. He also told us that she would be very susceptible to ear infections because of the cleft, so I decided then and there that I would be staying home with her.

That was the best decision I’ve ever made. Ever. I had almost 9 beautiful months with her and I will always feel lucky because of that. Maggie was one of the most calm, happy babies I had ever been around. Her smile was so contagious and she could brighten up anyone’s day. She was the best sleeper and always woke up singing, talking, chirping. I miss those moments when she didn’t think anyone was around and she’d just jabber away in her crib.

She ended up having quite a few ear infections so she got tubes in December. She was like a whole new baby! I couldn’t believe it! We had been concerned from day one that her hearing was very impaired (she failed pretty much every hearing test) but after the tubes, all that changed. She was responding to noise, looking around all the time and just seemed so much happier. God, she was amazing.

When she died, she was just 4 days shy of 9 months and was learning all kinds of new things. She was sitting up like a pro and was starting to push herself up on her hands and knees/toes. She put everything in her mouth – everything – and loved crackers. She was starting to get used to baby food, but boy did she love her bottle! And I so loved feeding her. She was so cute when she’d hold the bottle all by herself; such a big girl!

The day she died was a beautiful day. It was cool but not cold and sunny. It was just a perfect spring day. We had a great morning and she was in the best mood. We went to Grandma Elaine’s house and left Piper there so she could play. Maggie and I came back for a bottle and a nap, and she actually fell asleep on my shoulder. She never did that. I wish I would have just held her. As sad as I am, the last moment I had with her was one of the sweetest, most beautiful moments any mother could have. A full-bellied, sleeping baby cuddled in your arms – nothing could be sweeter.

I love you and miss you, Maggie May.