A Bereaved Parent's Wish List

This was sent to me by a friend, who also happens to be a grief counselor.

1. I wish my child had not died. I wish I had her back.

2. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and is very important to me. I need to hear that she is important to you, also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it is not because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you would not shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of any day.

6. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a really big hug.

7. I wish you would not expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

8. I am working very hard on my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that she died.

9. I wish you would not expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so do not frustrate yourself.

10. I do not want to have a "pity party", but I wish you would let me grieve. The pain is overwhelming; it will take time to learn how to survive with this nightmare.

11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I am feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

12. When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I do not "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I am having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So, please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

14. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that it is an accomplishment sometimes to handle an hour at a time.

15. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

16. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

17. I wish very much that you could understand -- understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.